10.14 by now -- past midnight

Here's part two from Dunhuang

We were almost pickpocketed and/or kidnapped by some English-speaking locals that Mathew got too friendly with at the night market. When Sara disappeared (to buy fruit, it turns out) I really woke up and got on the situation. I'm glad that I can trust myself to do that now. These guys were going to show us a bar, but meanwhile calling up all sorts of people we ddn't know to meet us there and bumping up against us as we walked. They offered us cigarettes that they didn't smoke themselves.

I have smoken three cigarettes now. The first was marlboro over a beer in Shanghai; I still didn't understand its appeal afterwards. The other two were Cloves in Dunhuang (a special and a black), which are so sweet on the lips. But I am a martial artist and smarter than to continue. I'll try the vanilla Cloves while stil here, and then I'm done. My life needs levity, not mist.

During our $500-US Bing dinner on the rooftop, Shen Laoshi taught us about the actual education system in China. There is a test here before high school that determines whether you'll be college-bound or vocational. It's a one-shot deal. There's no law to this effect, but the importance of the test is so recognized that construction work stops around the days of it; parents get a few days off from work; a student with the ticket to the testing room can call for a police motorcycle if stuck in traffic; and sick students are brought in on hospital beds with IVs to take the test. Something like only half the students make it to the college-bound track. Many commit suicide over this.

The students I've spoken with at Beida are remarkable, ethical, earnest, and far more intelligent and learned than most at Stanford, comparatively. But they live in rooms with four to eight bunk beds, share public squatter bathrooms, and have to go to a different building for boiled water and showers. Their tuition includes 40 showers for the year, with 5 minutes of hot water each time; any more, and they pay per visit. "中国不容易," Shen Laoshi said. It is a matter of resources; haves and have-nots all over again.

Every decision I've ever made suddenly seemed frivolous when she explained that this is the reason so many people emigrate to America or Canada or Europe: not because they need or want to or can even afford it, but for their children's sake, for a safer route of education. This is my story. There is so much about our family's small histories that I am slowly growing up to understand now.

And here, meanwhile, I'm caught up in useless gossip with our groups in school. I went to a beginners' swing dancing lesson at a jazz club in Beijing. I take walks, and I draw pictures, and all the while I hardly see outside the bubble.

I also decided today to not continue on for my black belt when I get home to the states. This is exactly the opposite of what I wrote earlier, but now that I admit this in words I can't hide from its truth any longer. The reasons are clear to me, and not intended to be written down. But I know it's right now because I felt and realized the decision more than I made it. And I'll be okay, and still myself. I'm not running away or shunning. In simplest terms, this is love but I can't have marriage. I pray Sensei can understand that. Sometimes it takes a trip across th world to realize things you've been too afraid to know.