我的心情根本太怕臭我外边的人。一定要多开我心, 做朋友, 看小叶子, 听世界的水。要真生活。
11.5
The maids here are kind and enthused poeple. I wonder what sorts of things they do in their free time. And I almost wish I had the power to set them free from this subservience, but I realize it is not up to me to decide what has greater meaning or hope in their lives, and that the work they do is neither meaningless nor unnecessary in the scheme of this society. To release someone from an already-established system without changing the system is but a favor granted from pity, and that's very far from noble. The same must be true of teaching.
11.8
I'm in Kevin's and Victoria's home in Wugang (舞钢), Henan Province with Sara and Julia, perhaps the two most 自由 of our abroad group, the most willing to experience and be vulnerable and not entangled in the drama. I made the decision to come four hours before the train left, because despite my still being sick there was every reason to come and none to stay. This has been just as freeing as Wudang was, but in a different way. I just learned the Mandarin version of the Cantonese word 补, as in 补好身体. This trip is certainly the beginning of that.
Kevin and Victoria export MP3 players to Africa and America on weekdays or relax by visiting the villages (and Kevin's 老家) a 15-minute bike ride from this city. We rode bikes with bells and baskets yesterday, Kevin leading the way and Victoria sitting side-saddle like every Chinese person here. We pulled radish plants (萝卜) and bakchoy (白菜) from a generous stranger's field. We made the burrito-like food Henan is famous for. We stood on the side of a road eating 6-foot sugarcanes that a woman hacked down for us. We passed by a primary school as a 9-yr-old was locking up, and she let us inside to have a look. We went to one of her classes at the 中曹学校, interrupting the entire school's lesson plans by being foreigners. We talked to children, and heard their perspectives.
They invited us here to teach for the weekend, as native speakers of English. The village schoolchildren were some of the most purehearted and proprietous people I have ever met. Their English is less than rudimentary because there are no available teachers. The city schoolchildren we taught today have higher levels, and are just as sweet, but their lives are simply too different from the very start. When I have my pick of choices, I will teach where there is the most real need, becaus ethat is where I come from, that is where I live.
11.10 - back from teaching in Henan
非常非常想那里的小朋友门。现在回到北京, 再开始跟同学说英语, 跟他们再上课。根本太普通的日子。上我们的太极拳课时候, 因为今天人少所以比较吃苦, 我觉得很像我家的道场。原来没有办法离开这种辛苦的情况。
住在舞钢有一些不太舒服的: 很小, 还有污染, 另外他们的河南话对我学普通话不太好。但是跟安老师的家人一起和跟他小孩们充实极了。真的有心。我住在北京两个月了, 在香港三个月, 上了很多课, 认识了很多家人也很多本地的中国人, 跟他们讲很多话, 看了很多书和文章关于中国, 却我真的想知道这里的情况的话, 我要小朋友给我了解。原来应该这样吧, 没想到。我不是说我问了他们小孩他们的生活怎么样, 他们不能说, 没办法比较。我就是跟他们玩儿, 讲话。我不会忘我们跟学生一起爬上那里的二郎山时候, Kate 告诉了我他长大以后想当一个fashion designer。是一个很自由的梦想。然后他采了几个新鲜的浆果送给我。他可能是八岁的。有一个更小的孩子拉着我的胳膊常常说: "老师,老师!"
非常难说明我跟他们的时候我有什么感觉。只说我开心根本不够了。有很重要的启发关于我自己的生活应该什么样。不会多说。先生活,再心念。
"I'm Far
AwayHome
And I've
Been Facing"
-the back of Jasmine's glittery coat
11.11
I just had lunch with 张纯 at this 米线 place hidden under a bridge near campus. It was like Vietnamese pho, but fo the Chinese. My 传统 mentality came up, and she was happy for it. Everywhere I go, the locals are overjoyed to find a traditional-minded international Chinese. I cannot say enough how at home I am in this country, how affirmed my very being now is. Individual peopel have so much history they never saw and don't nkow, but they are part of it all the same. So much of education, in any form, is learning how to become yourself.
The issue of one-night stands came up, and I used the word "self-esteem" in English. She translated it as something like "honoring your own heart." I laughed in amazement at the differences in our cultures, at the wrong creases our linguistic connotations have chiseled for us in America.
We also talked about religion. She is a member of the Communist Party (because she was absolved into it at age 12 for being th ebest student in her class), so she's not allowed to participate in any religions. But she wouldn't be able to believe anything other than this life in front of us anyway, she said. I commented the Chinese seem to be more pragmatic about life, and that Westerners are excessively concerned about what happens after death. She countered that it's just a selfish mentality that leads to the idea of a soul continuing on forever, while the focus on harmony of man and nature in Chinese culture allows death to simply be decomposition.
I came to China at the beginning of summer with a lot of questions about myself, my martial arts, my writing, relationships, family, teaching, and a lot of questions I didn't realize I had until the answers arose. I feel very ready now, for whatever is next. I've filled that void in me that never really belonged in America, not even in the dojo. I know who I am and where I come from now. I don't know where I'm headed, but I see the path before me and I see my own two feet. No language can fully express that sense of present life.
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