11.14

Another group of three went to Henan this weekend, on more or less the same day-to-day itinerary as we had last week. I find myself stopping throughout the day to wonder where they are at that moment and whether they're appreciating it as much as I did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdDIM7RQxAc

This is the video of the conclusion of our spoken English class, when An Laoshi had all the kids pretending they were Obama and expressing their own version of the affirmation, "Yes, we can!"

Meanwhile, I went out with the group for the first time in a while for pizza in the most westernized bar area of Beijing. I I drank some, but said from the start I wouldn't join them for the clubbing. There's such a crowd mentality to the whole thing, including the peer pressure and the meaninglessness of it all. With a month to go, some people are starting to feel the wastefulness of this whole experience, but nobody's going to do anything about it. I give up on the group, and I give up on trying to fit in. If you want to live your life right, you have to do it yourself.

It didn't help that as we walked in and out of bars there were beggars all over the place, some with children. And I also thought about my language partner, who's in the middle of her international grad school applications, worrying about her future and working toward a real purpose. That just made the frivolousness of our night seem so disgusting in comparison.

Even in a small group with just one othe rperson, there's less of a sense of immersion; there's the common ground of foreignness, and you can't help but cling to that. In the end, as in the beginning, I'm on my own on a path that's going to be worth the cost.

I'm a family man looking for lasting value in the moment. Can no one relate to that anymore?

I miss my guitar.

But I will also add that the other thing I've really been glad for here, besides becoming closer to my roots, is the broader perspective on things like this that really don't matter. It's such a big world. Not everyone is American, or proud to be or in admiration of its culture. And not everyone should have to be. Hallelujah for a chance to be myself and not subject to any labels. Hallelujah for another month in China. Hallelujah for the next day and the understand it will bring.

and wake up where the clouds are far
behind me