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For just a bit of permanence.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, December 21, 2008
12.14 - the end
At the airport now, where the music overhead switches between Western and Chinese classical and Kenny G. I stopped at the kids' play section where a Chinese version of Legocity was showing, and the sunglasses/leather-jacket character was teaching English to a crowd. Lego Batman appeared at the end.
I didn't say any goodbyes. I finished packing when we got back late last night and fell asleep while I still could. I checked out quietly before the sun had risen.
But these last two days have been the perfect end to an epic trip. I wore my suit to the graduation ceremony where we sang "Beijing Welcomes You" and the other class sang "朋友们" a cappella, which was beautiful. The Beida students put on a magic show with the most cartoony leader who had only learned the trick that afternoon. We said our thank-yous, and understood the speeches in Chinese, and felt like adults.
Afterwards, we went to a classy-ass French restaurant where they would come intermittently to sweep crumbs off our tables at each person's seat. I had snail soup and got full on bread. I sat at the most antisocial table with a couple talkers who only talk to "blow water." But I bore it like an adult.
Then we went out and drank, still in our suits. Alex and I went to the Westin hotel bar where businessmen relaxed quietly to live jazz (and one great rendition of "O Holy Night"). I had my first martini, smoked my last cigarette, and let the night roll like all time does.
And yesterday, our last full day, we found that the big campus lake had frozen over and we rented skates from old men by the shore for 10 kuai each. We played with puppies on the ice. Together with the water, we froze a little, and we are younger for it.
The kid next to me just saw me writing and just told her mother that I'm a "英语人." I guess.
Wendy's leaving Hong Kong today for a week's break from her new job. Carrie is still there after all, working in the same area. The office has all the same teachers since I've left.
I'll see the ones I'm willing to see, and let my family drag me around for too much money for a few more days. But I make no final judgments about my six months in China and this is my final entry in this journal. I'm not leaving from the country the way I arrived in it; and I can't make claims other than family, which is neither beginning nor end but just continuation. It's a promise of persistence and survival despite all this.
I didn't say any goodbyes. I finished packing when we got back late last night and fell asleep while I still could. I checked out quietly before the sun had risen.
But these last two days have been the perfect end to an epic trip. I wore my suit to the graduation ceremony where we sang "Beijing Welcomes You" and the other class sang "朋友们" a cappella, which was beautiful. The Beida students put on a magic show with the most cartoony leader who had only learned the trick that afternoon. We said our thank-yous, and understood the speeches in Chinese, and felt like adults.
Afterwards, we went to a classy-ass French restaurant where they would come intermittently to sweep crumbs off our tables at each person's seat. I had snail soup and got full on bread. I sat at the most antisocial table with a couple talkers who only talk to "blow water." But I bore it like an adult.
Then we went out and drank, still in our suits. Alex and I went to the Westin hotel bar where businessmen relaxed quietly to live jazz (and one great rendition of "O Holy Night"). I had my first martini, smoked my last cigarette, and let the night roll like all time does.
And yesterday, our last full day, we found that the big campus lake had frozen over and we rented skates from old men by the shore for 10 kuai each. We played with puppies on the ice. Together with the water, we froze a little, and we are younger for it.
The kid next to me just saw me writing and just told her mother that I'm a "英语人." I guess.
Wendy's leaving Hong Kong today for a week's break from her new job. Carrie is still there after all, working in the same area. The office has all the same teachers since I've left.
I'll see the ones I'm willing to see, and let my family drag me around for too much money for a few more days. But I make no final judgments about my six months in China and this is my final entry in this journal. I'm not leaving from the country the way I arrived in it; and I can't make claims other than family, which is neither beginning nor end but just continuation. It's a promise of persistence and survival despite all this.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
12.10 - 11: frost and flakes
12.10 - first day of snow
like a soft rain
melting over fingertips
12.11 - sitting in the smog in Tiananmen Square
Along the walk to the subway, a woman sells a tarpful of these shelled tre-nuts my aunt let me try once which look like glazed wood carvings. They steam like banked coals on the sidewalk, and I wonder what'll happen to her later this afternoon when the warmth is gone, when the only steam is the polluted breath from our mouths.
I keep thinking about the little snack gifts the kids gave us last weekend. Kate saved the German chocolates another teacher gave her for more than a week and brought it to plop in our gloved and chalky hands. Harry had saved four almonds--which he proudly knew to be an American delicacy--he got in Shenzhen I don't know how long ago (halfway down the country) to give us. Of course, I totally dropped them on the ground when he gave them to me. These kids have heart that a large part of the world will never come to understand.
The pollution is getting worse every day. It's as if the government officials in charge of controlling this stuff just went home once the cold started to hit. Things get gray even before a third of the way to the horizon. The sun is a radioactive color. But I'm still happy for those few minutes of super-light snow, even if its melting point never lasted past touching the earth.
--
Today was goodbye to my language partner Lindsay, 徐苏晨, my Taijiquan "哥们儿/homeboy" 邱昊, and my former roommate Maximilian the actual Austrian aristocrat. The kids in Henan (and that semi-awkward hug with tragic Harry when we were all freaking out that he hadn't gotten home yet when we had to leave him behind on the mountain only to find him geting off a bus just as we were getting on the one to leave town) were the biggest goodbyes for me.
Most people I plan on seeing again in a year or two. I like the rush of Chinese goodbyes, the unsentimentality of them. The affection is deep, the display is light. We don't even say "bye" so much as "see you again."
I will miss the barenessof that Taijiquan dojo (though not as much as the still autumn leaves when we practiced outside) in the dark, bare basement of the parking garage. I learned a lot of anatomy vocabulary and a lot of idioms I don't quite remember anymore. He told us one that really sums up the practice of internal arts: when you're young your stances are so deep and long that you can practice under the table, wen your'e old you're so stable and need to move so little you practice on top of the table.
At the end, he said to me, "抱着缘分," which is super-hard to translate. A dictionary would say, "Embrace your destiny," but he meant it as this karmic relationship between the two of us, to maintain it and keep it close so that opportunities to meet again will appear. I'll see him again next in Tibet, where he'll be teaching mathematics for the long-term.
like a soft rain
melting over fingertips
12.11 - sitting in the smog in Tiananmen Square
Along the walk to the subway, a woman sells a tarpful of these shelled tre-nuts my aunt let me try once which look like glazed wood carvings. They steam like banked coals on the sidewalk, and I wonder what'll happen to her later this afternoon when the warmth is gone, when the only steam is the polluted breath from our mouths.
I keep thinking about the little snack gifts the kids gave us last weekend. Kate saved the German chocolates another teacher gave her for more than a week and brought it to plop in our gloved and chalky hands. Harry had saved four almonds--which he proudly knew to be an American delicacy--he got in Shenzhen I don't know how long ago (halfway down the country) to give us. Of course, I totally dropped them on the ground when he gave them to me. These kids have heart that a large part of the world will never come to understand.
The pollution is getting worse every day. It's as if the government officials in charge of controlling this stuff just went home once the cold started to hit. Things get gray even before a third of the way to the horizon. The sun is a radioactive color. But I'm still happy for those few minutes of super-light snow, even if its melting point never lasted past touching the earth.
--
Today was goodbye to my language partner Lindsay, 徐苏晨, my Taijiquan "哥们儿/homeboy" 邱昊, and my former roommate Maximilian the actual Austrian aristocrat. The kids in Henan (and that semi-awkward hug with tragic Harry when we were all freaking out that he hadn't gotten home yet when we had to leave him behind on the mountain only to find him geting off a bus just as we were getting on the one to leave town) were the biggest goodbyes for me.
Most people I plan on seeing again in a year or two. I like the rush of Chinese goodbyes, the unsentimentality of them. The affection is deep, the display is light. We don't even say "bye" so much as "see you again."
I will miss the barenessof that Taijiquan dojo (though not as much as the still autumn leaves when we practiced outside) in the dark, bare basement of the parking garage. I learned a lot of anatomy vocabulary and a lot of idioms I don't quite remember anymore. He told us one that really sums up the practice of internal arts: when you're young your stances are so deep and long that you can practice under the table, wen your'e old you're so stable and need to move so little you practice on top of the table.
At the end, he said to me, "抱着缘分," which is super-hard to translate. A dictionary would say, "Embrace your destiny," but he meant it as this karmic relationship between the two of us, to maintain it and keep it close so that opportunities to meet again will appear. I'll see him again next in Tibet, where he'll be teaching mathematics for the long-term.
Monday, December 8, 2008
12.2 to 12.7 - a week of wind
12.2 - "回答" by 北岛
卑鄙是卑鄙者的通行证，
高尚是高尚者的墓志铭，
看吧，在那镀金的天空中，
飘满了死者弯曲的倒影。
冰川纪过去了，
为什么到处都是冰凌？
好望角发现了，
为什么死海里千帆相竞？
我来到这个世界上，
只带着纸、绳索和身影，
为了在审判前，
宣读那些被判决的声音。
告诉你吧，
世界 我--不--相--信！
纵使你脚下有一千名挑战者，
那就把我算作第一千零一名。
我不相信天是蓝的，
我不相信雷的回声，
我不相信梦是假的，
我不相信死无报应。
如果海洋注定要决堤，
就让所有的苦水都注入我心中，
如果陆地注定要上升，
就让人类重新选择生存的峰顶。
新的转机和闪闪星斗，
正在缀满没有遮拦的天空。
那是五千年的象形文字，
那是未来人们凝视的眼睛。
"Reply" by Beidao
Contempt is the contemptible's pathway,
virtue is the virtuous' epitaph,
look--on the gilded plates of heaven
float crooked reflections of the dead.
If the ice age is over,
why are there still icycles everywhere?
If the Cape of Good Hope has been found,
why do a thousand sails compete on the Dead Sea?
I came to this earth
carrying paper, rope, and my silhouette
to, before the great trial comes,
read aloud the sounds of judgment.
I'll tell you, world:
I--don't--believe--you!
Even if you've got a thousand challengers underfoot,
then make my name one thousand and one.
I'm not convinced by blue skies,
the echoes of a thunderstorm,
I'm not convinced that dreams are false,
that we can die without retribution.
If the seas and oceans are doomed to flood,
let the bitter waters empty into me,
if the land is doomed to rise,
let our people choose a new crest to live upon.
New change and flickering stars
are stitching the empty sky--
that's five thousand years of pictographs
that's our future of people's staring eyes
12.3 - the train station
Waiting to go back to Henan, first to stop at Shaolin on my own, then to meet with Sara and head to Wugang where the kids are. I haven't traveled in a month. This waiting and external motion are, once again, so freeing.
The only difference this time is I've made really good friends by now that I didn't get to say goodbye to. It's only for a weekend, but I feel a different sort of loneliness now mixing together with the old one.
train-stop cafe
familiar broken seat
rockin'
I don't have time to go "South of the Clouds" next week, but this quarter abroad is ending perfectly. At the farewell dinner, each Chinese class is doing some sort of performance. My class is singing "Beijing Welcomes You." I got to Hong Kong scared to death of karaoke, and came to Beijing saying that by the end, I would be able to sing one song in Mandarin. I can't even describe how happy it makes me to be singing this song with a group of people I feel so comfortable with.
These next two weeks in China I'm doing everything I need to do, getting my house in order as I prepare to go home. Fati told me six months ago to expect for nothing to have changed, for the whole other side of my life to not recognize the distance I have traveled. I plan for life to go on and persist in a massive unnoticeableness. But my being Chinese in China has not been some temporary matter to be forgotten or even to be clung to.
I told Michelle the other day that I recognize the barriers in all teacher-student relationships, that the formality of the system is a structural necessity and that nearly all the work that goes into lesson planning never communicates from point A to point B. But, I said, it's all worth it, if you work with a group of kids for weeks and have one, small, star-blink moment in which both sides relax, some sort of understanding bridges that empty space, and you suddenly become two people just existing and learning from one another. And then you get back to the blind face of structured life again. But that moment remains, like an air bubble just pressed against the surface of an ice cube until it all melts into one flow.
The same goes for my awakenings in this country.
12.5 - midnight at the Luoyang train station
No time for sleep today. Not even a seat available on this four-hour train I'm taking to Luohe. No comment on my feelings.
Also, not enough clothes either. The solstice is on the 21st, but winter must have really started today. I have never felt such a dramatic turnaround in weather, nor have I ever been so cold that my feet froze over in the tour bus.
Saw the sun rise from the train as it arrived, and the sunset from the bus on the way back from Shaolin. It was a Buddhist tour, stopping at a lot of sites like the residence and burial ground of Xuanzang (the monk in Journey to the West), who brought the scriptures from India to China. The small tour group had some fun old people who got really excited about drinking water from Xuanzang's well and taking pictures with some trees. One brave New Zealander who had just graduated and was traveling in China for three weeks, and didn't speak a word of Chinese, was with us. I did my best at translating, learning things in the process like why we put our tour stickers on the gate-wall of one temple to form 福寿 with it.
When people ask me now, "你是哪里人?" I don't ever say "美国人" anymore. I answer, "广东人" and explain the rest slowly. One woman from Hunan spun this sort of Australian accent on her speech, saying things like "Baiyjing" for 北京. They're all curious, and find the fun in meeting people, and we never exchange names or say goodbye to cheapen the shortest of time.
I got conned into my first strange cult-like experience. At I think the 白马寺, we all entered a room where a Buddhist priest gave a small lecture and sang hymns for us, then called us each up individually to bless us, sprinkle some powder, and hand us a candle. Then we went to the back room behind the deep red curtain, where they were asking for donations for priests to continue praying in our names. I wrote my name, then "全家平安," and gave up 99元 because I kept telling the guy I didn't understand but he wouldn't let me leave. In a non-religious place, I would just hit people and run and keep my cash (not really (well, maybe)). I hope my family feels the blessing as it comes.
Shaolin is culturally important because it was the first stop of Bodhidharma, who brought a new discipline to the Buddhist teachings and started Zen (禅 in Chinese). The pure martial arts come from religious principle and training. After all the burnings of the temples, it was reopened in the last century by government sponsorship in response to media portrayals of it as the birthplace of martial arts.
We saw some kids put on a show/demo, which they probably do every day, to the background music of songs like those from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which just makes obvious how contradictory the situation was, how very misinformed these people are. I was impressed by their coming out into the cold and taking off their windbreakers to do useless flips on the stage. They also showed some 气功 feats, which were genuine but also standard show-fare. I wish those kids freedom from this place one day, and understanding and cultivation for their own sakes and no one else's.
The two best moments of this day. First, sitting in the windy sun outside a small temple by a potted fire, eating noodles with these old ladies selling trinkets. The quiet of that table has been more real than the introductions of the tours. Second, the path from Shaolin to the Pagoda Forest (the prettiest tombs I've ever seen, in the sandy sunlight), where the martial arts kids were horsing around or playing soccer. The grass is so green, the mountain haze is so layered.
Oh, the tour guide was cool, too. She spit after every paragraph of explanation, and kept asking for my camera to take pictures of me. I don't think it's cause she liked me, just that she was dissatisfied with how little I smiled in the cold.
second floor
curious eyes; late train
a wind
12.7 - at the 漯河 McDonald's with Sara, studying for our final tomorrow and waiting for a train ride home to Beijing
Christmas music is playing in this overheated haven of western novelty. We made Christmas cards with the youngest students today. We've been singing "Silent Night" and "O Holy Night" in the intermittent moments of reflection this weekend. It is about that time, isn't it.
There has been nothing in my life so tragically beautiful as this town in the mid-east of China and its 不可思议 kids. We've been noticing the oddly placed, short palm trees scattered through the city, which everyone we've asked knows is imported from a warmer-weather location, yet their innocent smiles about the simple prettiness of the trees tell a novel's worth of story.
We played frisbee with shy kids at the kindergarten. We climbed the highest mountain in town and held class at the top. We went to the home of two new students, who live in a big recycling yard, and when we asked the boy Toby which room was his, he pointed to the bed in the corner with a curtain covering it. We played with their dogs and harvested some vegetables in the super-green-for-wintertime fields nearby. We taught our host family to make pizza with those greens as toppings. We played mahjong, chess, and checkers (all Chinese) together.
I talked a lot with 安老师 about education here, and the polar opposite experiences between him and Victoria as they grew up in schools here, the former hardly ever having had classes and just playing in the village, the latter never learning to play because she coudl only study. We talked about our dreams for education and for the kids here, and the problems with the system and the authorities within the system and all the money problems that make this all very much real.
In my final speech for Chinese class last week I said that these kids helped me to understand exactly what my life could ahve been like if I had grown up here instead of immigrating. The most valuable moment of this weekend and the one I'll probably memorize the most in my heart was this late afternoon walking to the bus from the bottom of the mountain, only Kate left with us, wearing her orange backpack and eatin gher endless supply of healthy snacks. She's my favorite after Jasmine, so precise but so youthful in the way she speaks. She doesn't understand me too clearly when I talk though, so we just walked side by side in silence for a while.
The moment I'll never forget is seeing her split off from us to catch a different bus, walking alone into the late sunlight on this open city street. It was an open reflection into the pure sort of quietude and familiar adventurousness I remember from that age, taking buses to school and to the dojo, walking alone in the sunlight and city shadows. I'll never forget that moment's reminder of hope and loneliness, that profundity as we passed by Kate later and I saw her pull a bottle of juice from her backpack, no particular expression on her face but just being herself, and completely herself.
I don't know if I can write poems anymore; instead, I just see them everywhere I go.
-
On the train now, the two of us in side-by-side bottom-bunk beds, some strange sort of culmination of comfort for my last train ride in China for I don't know how long. The sound of strangers--which somehow always means mothers and fathers and uncles and aunties here--throughout the car makes me wonder about the shock of returning to the states, of not having that city-wide sense of family just from the sound and tone of people's voices.
The train from Luoyang to Luohe on Thursday midnight was an enlightening nightmare. I could only get a standing-space ticket on the four-hour train from 1am to 5am. But that's not an accurate name for it; the ticket itself said 无座, which is "no seat," or "no designated space" I stood on about a leg and a half for the whole time in the conductor's doorway and inhaled everybody's smoke; the girl beside me threw up in the first hour; in the last leg of the ride, the conductor opened up the furnace beside us and shoveled in the coal, washing off the floor by splattering black water with a straw broom. Conditions were perfect for me to experience the most ground-level transportation and the most ground-level people: I wasn't sick, or queasy, had little luggage, and nobody with me to consider or worry about. I'm grateful for that. But never again.
卑鄙是卑鄙者的通行证，
高尚是高尚者的墓志铭，
看吧，在那镀金的天空中，
飘满了死者弯曲的倒影。
冰川纪过去了，
为什么到处都是冰凌？
好望角发现了，
为什么死海里千帆相竞？
我来到这个世界上，
只带着纸、绳索和身影，
为了在审判前，
宣读那些被判决的声音。
告诉你吧，
世界 我--不--相--信！
纵使你脚下有一千名挑战者，
那就把我算作第一千零一名。
我不相信天是蓝的，
我不相信雷的回声，
我不相信梦是假的，
我不相信死无报应。
如果海洋注定要决堤，
就让所有的苦水都注入我心中，
如果陆地注定要上升，
就让人类重新选择生存的峰顶。
新的转机和闪闪星斗，
正在缀满没有遮拦的天空。
那是五千年的象形文字，
那是未来人们凝视的眼睛。
"Reply" by Beidao
Contempt is the contemptible's pathway,
virtue is the virtuous' epitaph,
look--on the gilded plates of heaven
float crooked reflections of the dead.
If the ice age is over,
why are there still icycles everywhere?
If the Cape of Good Hope has been found,
why do a thousand sails compete on the Dead Sea?
I came to this earth
carrying paper, rope, and my silhouette
to, before the great trial comes,
read aloud the sounds of judgment.
I'll tell you, world:
I--don't--believe--you!
Even if you've got a thousand challengers underfoot,
then make my name one thousand and one.
I'm not convinced by blue skies,
the echoes of a thunderstorm,
I'm not convinced that dreams are false,
that we can die without retribution.
If the seas and oceans are doomed to flood,
let the bitter waters empty into me,
if the land is doomed to rise,
let our people choose a new crest to live upon.
New change and flickering stars
are stitching the empty sky--
that's five thousand years of pictographs
that's our future of people's staring eyes
12.3 - the train station
Waiting to go back to Henan, first to stop at Shaolin on my own, then to meet with Sara and head to Wugang where the kids are. I haven't traveled in a month. This waiting and external motion are, once again, so freeing.
The only difference this time is I've made really good friends by now that I didn't get to say goodbye to. It's only for a weekend, but I feel a different sort of loneliness now mixing together with the old one.
train-stop cafe
familiar broken seat
rockin'
I don't have time to go "South of the Clouds" next week, but this quarter abroad is ending perfectly. At the farewell dinner, each Chinese class is doing some sort of performance. My class is singing "Beijing Welcomes You." I got to Hong Kong scared to death of karaoke, and came to Beijing saying that by the end, I would be able to sing one song in Mandarin. I can't even describe how happy it makes me to be singing this song with a group of people I feel so comfortable with.
These next two weeks in China I'm doing everything I need to do, getting my house in order as I prepare to go home. Fati told me six months ago to expect for nothing to have changed, for the whole other side of my life to not recognize the distance I have traveled. I plan for life to go on and persist in a massive unnoticeableness. But my being Chinese in China has not been some temporary matter to be forgotten or even to be clung to.
I told Michelle the other day that I recognize the barriers in all teacher-student relationships, that the formality of the system is a structural necessity and that nearly all the work that goes into lesson planning never communicates from point A to point B. But, I said, it's all worth it, if you work with a group of kids for weeks and have one, small, star-blink moment in which both sides relax, some sort of understanding bridges that empty space, and you suddenly become two people just existing and learning from one another. And then you get back to the blind face of structured life again. But that moment remains, like an air bubble just pressed against the surface of an ice cube until it all melts into one flow.
The same goes for my awakenings in this country.
12.5 - midnight at the Luoyang train station
No time for sleep today. Not even a seat available on this four-hour train I'm taking to Luohe. No comment on my feelings.
Also, not enough clothes either. The solstice is on the 21st, but winter must have really started today. I have never felt such a dramatic turnaround in weather, nor have I ever been so cold that my feet froze over in the tour bus.
Saw the sun rise from the train as it arrived, and the sunset from the bus on the way back from Shaolin. It was a Buddhist tour, stopping at a lot of sites like the residence and burial ground of Xuanzang (the monk in Journey to the West), who brought the scriptures from India to China. The small tour group had some fun old people who got really excited about drinking water from Xuanzang's well and taking pictures with some trees. One brave New Zealander who had just graduated and was traveling in China for three weeks, and didn't speak a word of Chinese, was with us. I did my best at translating, learning things in the process like why we put our tour stickers on the gate-wall of one temple to form 福寿 with it.
When people ask me now, "你是哪里人?" I don't ever say "美国人" anymore. I answer, "广东人" and explain the rest slowly. One woman from Hunan spun this sort of Australian accent on her speech, saying things like "Baiyjing" for 北京. They're all curious, and find the fun in meeting people, and we never exchange names or say goodbye to cheapen the shortest of time.
I got conned into my first strange cult-like experience. At I think the 白马寺, we all entered a room where a Buddhist priest gave a small lecture and sang hymns for us, then called us each up individually to bless us, sprinkle some powder, and hand us a candle. Then we went to the back room behind the deep red curtain, where they were asking for donations for priests to continue praying in our names. I wrote my name, then "全家平安," and gave up 99元 because I kept telling the guy I didn't understand but he wouldn't let me leave. In a non-religious place, I would just hit people and run and keep my cash (not really (well, maybe)). I hope my family feels the blessing as it comes.
Shaolin is culturally important because it was the first stop of Bodhidharma, who brought a new discipline to the Buddhist teachings and started Zen (禅 in Chinese). The pure martial arts come from religious principle and training. After all the burnings of the temples, it was reopened in the last century by government sponsorship in response to media portrayals of it as the birthplace of martial arts.
We saw some kids put on a show/demo, which they probably do every day, to the background music of songs like those from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which just makes obvious how contradictory the situation was, how very misinformed these people are. I was impressed by their coming out into the cold and taking off their windbreakers to do useless flips on the stage. They also showed some 气功 feats, which were genuine but also standard show-fare. I wish those kids freedom from this place one day, and understanding and cultivation for their own sakes and no one else's.
The two best moments of this day. First, sitting in the windy sun outside a small temple by a potted fire, eating noodles with these old ladies selling trinkets. The quiet of that table has been more real than the introductions of the tours. Second, the path from Shaolin to the Pagoda Forest (the prettiest tombs I've ever seen, in the sandy sunlight), where the martial arts kids were horsing around or playing soccer. The grass is so green, the mountain haze is so layered.
Oh, the tour guide was cool, too. She spit after every paragraph of explanation, and kept asking for my camera to take pictures of me. I don't think it's cause she liked me, just that she was dissatisfied with how little I smiled in the cold.
second floor
curious eyes; late train
a wind
12.7 - at the 漯河 McDonald's with Sara, studying for our final tomorrow and waiting for a train ride home to Beijing
Christmas music is playing in this overheated haven of western novelty. We made Christmas cards with the youngest students today. We've been singing "Silent Night" and "O Holy Night" in the intermittent moments of reflection this weekend. It is about that time, isn't it.
There has been nothing in my life so tragically beautiful as this town in the mid-east of China and its 不可思议 kids. We've been noticing the oddly placed, short palm trees scattered through the city, which everyone we've asked knows is imported from a warmer-weather location, yet their innocent smiles about the simple prettiness of the trees tell a novel's worth of story.
We played frisbee with shy kids at the kindergarten. We climbed the highest mountain in town and held class at the top. We went to the home of two new students, who live in a big recycling yard, and when we asked the boy Toby which room was his, he pointed to the bed in the corner with a curtain covering it. We played with their dogs and harvested some vegetables in the super-green-for-wintertime fields nearby. We taught our host family to make pizza with those greens as toppings. We played mahjong, chess, and checkers (all Chinese) together.
I talked a lot with 安老师 about education here, and the polar opposite experiences between him and Victoria as they grew up in schools here, the former hardly ever having had classes and just playing in the village, the latter never learning to play because she coudl only study. We talked about our dreams for education and for the kids here, and the problems with the system and the authorities within the system and all the money problems that make this all very much real.
In my final speech for Chinese class last week I said that these kids helped me to understand exactly what my life could ahve been like if I had grown up here instead of immigrating. The most valuable moment of this weekend and the one I'll probably memorize the most in my heart was this late afternoon walking to the bus from the bottom of the mountain, only Kate left with us, wearing her orange backpack and eatin gher endless supply of healthy snacks. She's my favorite after Jasmine, so precise but so youthful in the way she speaks. She doesn't understand me too clearly when I talk though, so we just walked side by side in silence for a while.
The moment I'll never forget is seeing her split off from us to catch a different bus, walking alone into the late sunlight on this open city street. It was an open reflection into the pure sort of quietude and familiar adventurousness I remember from that age, taking buses to school and to the dojo, walking alone in the sunlight and city shadows. I'll never forget that moment's reminder of hope and loneliness, that profundity as we passed by Kate later and I saw her pull a bottle of juice from her backpack, no particular expression on her face but just being herself, and completely herself.
I don't know if I can write poems anymore; instead, I just see them everywhere I go.
-
On the train now, the two of us in side-by-side bottom-bunk beds, some strange sort of culmination of comfort for my last train ride in China for I don't know how long. The sound of strangers--which somehow always means mothers and fathers and uncles and aunties here--throughout the car makes me wonder about the shock of returning to the states, of not having that city-wide sense of family just from the sound and tone of people's voices.
The train from Luoyang to Luohe on Thursday midnight was an enlightening nightmare. I could only get a standing-space ticket on the four-hour train from 1am to 5am. But that's not an accurate name for it; the ticket itself said 无座, which is "no seat," or "no designated space" I stood on about a leg and a half for the whole time in the conductor's doorway and inhaled everybody's smoke; the girl beside me threw up in the first hour; in the last leg of the ride, the conductor opened up the furnace beside us and shoveled in the coal, washing off the floor by splattering black water with a straw broom. Conditions were perfect for me to experience the most ground-level transportation and the most ground-level people: I wasn't sick, or queasy, had little luggage, and nobody with me to consider or worry about. I'm grateful for that. But never again.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
11.28-30: spirits
11.28 - 5am, wasted, can't sleep
Celebrated three friends' 21st birthdays tonight at an all-you-can-eat, all-you-can-drink Japanese restaurant. Sake bombs to the very end. We also drank with the guys in the private room right next to us. Drunk men in this country cannot stop hitting on me.
I threw up twice tonight, before we even got to the bar where I fell asleep on someone's shoulder. I kept getting handed cigarettes and water to wake me up; maybe it worked with a super delayed effect. I'm grateful for whoever told people to leave me alone and not hand me shots. I'm grateful for the hands that led me out to the cab. I'm grateful for not having facebook so I don't have to see the documentation of this night. I'm grateful for this first-time experience that has already taught me never to do it again. I'll call this the last hurrah of our group here.
outside, nighttime:
still life
11.30 - drinks with Michelle
Final trip to Yashow Market. This is about the 6th time going all the way across town for my second tailored suit and a frame-job for my gift to the teachers in Henan this coming weekend. These last few weeks are all about shopping; it's not my idea of a relaxing end to the whole China journey.
Michelle came to Beijing for the weekend to teach some classes (part of the company's absurd expansion plan from Hong Kong despite being still understaffed since I left and all that other business went down this summer), and I met her for some drinks and a bruschetta in 三里屯. Facing each other across that table, I recognized how much we are still the same people who sat eating Shanghai-style food one night in Hong Kong a block from the new office. I wasn't looking forward to catching up on gossip and the same complaints, but sitting in a dim room with her and talking about life and work and change was a good indicator to me of progress, of our continuing to grow and my definite moving on. I'm grateful for that.
chiseling shadows
and the slow shrinking of glasses--
adults until the sun
Celebrated three friends' 21st birthdays tonight at an all-you-can-eat, all-you-can-drink Japanese restaurant. Sake bombs to the very end. We also drank with the guys in the private room right next to us. Drunk men in this country cannot stop hitting on me.
I threw up twice tonight, before we even got to the bar where I fell asleep on someone's shoulder. I kept getting handed cigarettes and water to wake me up; maybe it worked with a super delayed effect. I'm grateful for whoever told people to leave me alone and not hand me shots. I'm grateful for the hands that led me out to the cab. I'm grateful for not having facebook so I don't have to see the documentation of this night. I'm grateful for this first-time experience that has already taught me never to do it again. I'll call this the last hurrah of our group here.
outside, nighttime:
still life
11.30 - drinks with Michelle
Final trip to Yashow Market. This is about the 6th time going all the way across town for my second tailored suit and a frame-job for my gift to the teachers in Henan this coming weekend. These last few weeks are all about shopping; it's not my idea of a relaxing end to the whole China journey.
Michelle came to Beijing for the weekend to teach some classes (part of the company's absurd expansion plan from Hong Kong despite being still understaffed since I left and all that other business went down this summer), and I met her for some drinks and a bruschetta in 三里屯. Facing each other across that table, I recognized how much we are still the same people who sat eating Shanghai-style food one night in Hong Kong a block from the new office. I wasn't looking forward to catching up on gossip and the same complaints, but sitting in a dim room with her and talking about life and work and change was a good indicator to me of progress, of our continuing to grow and my definite moving on. I'm grateful for that.
chiseling shadows
and the slow shrinking of glasses--
adults until the sun
Friday, November 28, 2008
11.23 - 11.27: Grace & Thanks
11.23 - church in China
A couple of us went to the nearby Protestant Sunday Service in Mandarin near campus. We got there 15 minutes early and already it was packed, with standing spaces filled up all along the back. A crowd of people stood in the hallway listening during the sermon. We discussed this in a class last week, and although the Sunday attendees are much more religiously-minded than typically those in the states (I didn't see any socializing afterwards, no after-church lunch groups) the other reason for churches being so packed is that there are so few in any vicinity.
No collections basket going around here. A lot of beggars outside though, which I take note of everywhere I go but rarely give them money these days. People brought fruit though, and arranged them behind the speakers. Fruit and packaged shrimp chips.
The message of the sermon was something about (荣耀) honor and (位分) social status. We heard the sobbing testimonial of a woman who had lost her job and her husband got sick; she sunk deeper into things by turning to Falun Gong until her sister 妹妹 came back from America and told her about the Gospel. We all (祷告) prayed together, and I felt the pangs of having not been in a church service for about three years.
At the end, I hummed along to the Chinese lyrics of "Amazing Grace."
"天天感辛苦、感累、感恩," the pastor said: "Every day we are inspired to grief, to hardship, and to grace."
-
More on food. At lunch, I had hibiscus juice which actually tasted like flowers and juice. We also had a "peanut ice," 花生冰沙, the simplicity of which amazed me. We bought some wife cakes after that from the 味多美 bakery. My snacks tonight consist of 凉茶 and choco-pies because they remind me of the south, 小馒头 rice balls because they remind me of being a kid in Hawaii, and a cup of green-apple jelly that just looks monstrous when you drink it through a straw. Along the stairs at Wu-Mei, a young woman was selling Chinese bars of chocolate in a cardboard tray. "Qiaokele, yige yikuair!" Such a beautiful language.
11.27 - Days in the Sound of Short Syllables
/ Visit to a Chinese Women's Prison /
like a hostel:
frightening
only for its
openness
/Buying Finisher Spray at the Art Store /
green crumbs of leaves,
confetti whirlwind
in the wake of cars--
winter
/ Buying Chinese Books /
danger, intersection:
gray-haired ladies
on a moped, giggling,
wave
/ Lama Temple /
chasing sunlight
through auspicious clouds--
taste of winter soot
wheel of the law,
wind, flag,
bell
/ Thanksgiving Dinner /
heartburn
at the sound of non-
empty rooms
across the ocean
A couple of us went to the nearby Protestant Sunday Service in Mandarin near campus. We got there 15 minutes early and already it was packed, with standing spaces filled up all along the back. A crowd of people stood in the hallway listening during the sermon. We discussed this in a class last week, and although the Sunday attendees are much more religiously-minded than typically those in the states (I didn't see any socializing afterwards, no after-church lunch groups) the other reason for churches being so packed is that there are so few in any vicinity.
No collections basket going around here. A lot of beggars outside though, which I take note of everywhere I go but rarely give them money these days. People brought fruit though, and arranged them behind the speakers. Fruit and packaged shrimp chips.
The message of the sermon was something about (荣耀) honor and (位分) social status. We heard the sobbing testimonial of a woman who had lost her job and her husband got sick; she sunk deeper into things by turning to Falun Gong until her sister 妹妹 came back from America and told her about the Gospel. We all (祷告) prayed together, and I felt the pangs of having not been in a church service for about three years.
At the end, I hummed along to the Chinese lyrics of "Amazing Grace."
"天天感辛苦、感累、感恩," the pastor said: "Every day we are inspired to grief, to hardship, and to grace."
-
More on food. At lunch, I had hibiscus juice which actually tasted like flowers and juice. We also had a "peanut ice," 花生冰沙, the simplicity of which amazed me. We bought some wife cakes after that from the 味多美 bakery. My snacks tonight consist of 凉茶 and choco-pies because they remind me of the south, 小馒头 rice balls because they remind me of being a kid in Hawaii, and a cup of green-apple jelly that just looks monstrous when you drink it through a straw. Along the stairs at Wu-Mei, a young woman was selling Chinese bars of chocolate in a cardboard tray. "Qiaokele, yige yikuair!" Such a beautiful language.
11.27 - Days in the Sound of Short Syllables
/ Visit to a Chinese Women's Prison /
like a hostel:
frightening
only for its
openness
/Buying Finisher Spray at the Art Store /
green crumbs of leaves,
confetti whirlwind
in the wake of cars--
winter
/ Buying Chinese Books /
danger, intersection:
gray-haired ladies
on a moped, giggling,
wave
/ Lama Temple /
chasing sunlight
through auspicious clouds--
taste of winter soot
wheel of the law,
wind, flag,
bell
/ Thanksgiving Dinner /
heartburn
at the sound of non-
empty rooms
across the ocean
Sunday, November 23, 2008
11.20-22: from epic paint to epic paint
11.20
If I go back to Henan next weekend with a couple that I really despise and am uncomfortable with exposing the kids to, it will be a chance for me to face up and make positive change, even make amends. I should probably look at it the other way, too. The kids don't need my protection; in fact, they might just cleanse us all for one more weekend.
But I'm still torn about whether to go to the Shaolin Temples, which aren't even remotely Buddhist any longer and have been reopened by the government specifically as a tourist attraction in response to its popularity in contemporary fiction. I might see this degradation of the heart of the martial arts and turn to blame those too familiar to me, the ones close to home. The little girl we met last time, locking the gate of a school in the village, told us she wasn't surprised to meet a foreigner because she saw white people before at Shaolin. Wudang wasn't entirely pure, but at least it remained religious and locally Chinese.
I just went to the chuanr place on campus and got two chicken wings on skewers. Eating them without my hands and spitting out the bones, I thought of Kate plucking berries for me at the mountain. I'm going for the kids' sake, which is the only way I can make this my sake.
11.21
Went to 圆明园 today, and stopped by the local market to eat the greatest 煎饼 this side of Beijing. Once we were inside the park, Joy kept saying it was like she had gotten sucked into some nutcracker dream, it was so quiet and empty. We watched weeping willows in all the autumn colors sweep their hair across the ruins of the old Summer Palace. We sat at the bank of a lake, our feet at the ice-frosted shore, watching the wind blow ripples westward, listening to the crisp of that year's leaves like rainfall in the dry branches. We watched a lone rowboat and its lone passenger, soft in the sunlight. We saw old men fishing in streams and lowering their catches back into the water. We skipped rocks on frozen waters.
And the three of us talked, and discovered each other and that it's not too late to make friends.
Victoria from Henan sent me an email with a poem by 顾城. This is my effort at my first poem translation.
我是一个任性的孩子
I'm A Willful Child
我想在大地上画满窗子，
I want to draw a full window in the earth,
让所有习惯黑暗的眼睛都习惯光明。
turn the eyes of dark habit into the promise of light.
也许我是被妈妈宠坏的孩子
Maybe I let my mother spoil me
我任性
into willfulness.
我希望
I wish
每一个时刻
every moment
都像彩色蜡笔那样美丽
was crayon-pretty
我希望
I wish
能在心爱的白纸上画画
I could draw on the blank pages o fmy heart's treasures
画出笨拙的自由
draw the clumsiness of freedom
画下一只永远不会
draw forever-
流泪的眼睛
tearless eyes
一片天空
one slice of heaven
一片属于天空的羽毛和树叶
and one of heaven's plumes and leaves
一个淡绿的夜晚和苹果
the light green of evening's apples
我想画下早晨
I want to draw daybreak
画下露水
draw ephemeral dew
所能看见的微笑
the ability to catch smiles
画下所有最年轻的
all the youngest
没有痛苦的爱情
and painless loves
她没有见过阴云
which have never seen dark clouds
她的眼睛是晴空的颜色
which have clear eyes
她永远看着我
that always see me
永远，看着
forever seeing
绝不会忽然掉过头去
never to suddenly fail
我想画下遥远的风景
I want to paint the distant landscapes
画下清晰的地平线和水波
paint clear horizons and ripples
画下许许多多快乐的小河
paint countless joyful rivulets
画下丘陵——
paint hills--
长满淡淡的茸毛
growing softly everywhere
我让它们挨得很近
I'll bring them closer
让它们相爱
make it love
让每一个默许
make it requited
每一阵静静的春天激动
every quiet burst of rain in spring's stirrings
都成为一朵小花的生日
become birthings of flowers
我还想画下未来
and I want to paint the future
我没见过她，也不可能
I haven't seen her, I can't
但知道她很美
but I know she's beautiful
我画下她秋天的风衣
I'll paint her autumn clothes
画下那些燃烧的烛火和枫叶
paint those burning candle flames and sweet maple leaves
画下许多因为爱她
paint countlessly for my love
而熄灭的心
because she extinguishes my heart
画下婚礼
I'll paint weddings
画下一个个早早醒来的节日——
I'll paint every early-morning holiday--
上面贴着玻璃糖纸
paste candy glass on top
和北方童话的插图
and fairytale pictures from the North
我是一个任性的孩子
I'm a willful child
我想涂去一切不幸
I want to black out every misfortune
我想在大地上
on the earth, I want to
画满窗子
paint a full window
让所有习惯黑暗的眼睛
and turn all the eyes of dark habits
都习惯光明
into the promise of light
我想画下风
I want to draw the wind
画下一架比一架更高大的山岭
paint bookcase upon bookcase of mountains
画下东方民族的渴望
paint the Eastern minorities' thirsty longings
画下大海——
paint the open sea--
无边无际愉快的声音
the sounds of limitless joy
最后，在纸角上
and lastly, ont he paper's corner
我还想画下自己
I still want to paint myself
画下一只树熊
I'll paint a tree-bear(?)
他坐在维多利亚深色的丛林里
sitting in a dark victorian(?) jungle
坐在安安静静的树枝上
on a quiet, peaceful branch
发愣
in a daze
他没有家
he's homeless
没有一颗留在远处的心
no distant place to leave his heart
他只有，许许多多
only countless
浆果一样的梦
dreams like berries
和很大很大的眼睛
and enormous eyes
我在希望
I'm wishing
在想
and wanting
但不知为什么
but don't know why
我没有领到蜡笔
I haven't gotten a crayon
没有得到一个彩色的时刻
or succeeded in coloring the moment
我只有我
I only have myself
我的手指和创痛
my fingers and these wounds
只有撕碎那一张张
only shredding sheet by sheet
心爱的白纸
the blank pages of my heart's treasures
让它们去寻找蝴蝶
making them look for butterflies
让它们从今天消失
making them disapper from this day
我是一个孩子
I'm a kid
一个被幻想妈妈宠坏的孩子
a kid spoiled by my mother
我任性
I'm willful
Damn tiring. 8 pages! I used "draw" and "paint" interchangeably. I don't know what the window's about, or the victorian busines. The bear in the tree must be the poet with the big-eyed vision.
This is much prettier in Chinese. In English poetry, we strive for more imagery and less flowery language because the latter is trite, but in Chinese the imagery is already entwined in all the words, etymologically speaking or just in idiomatic usage. Triteness in Chinese becomes an exquisite hark back to a history of tradition and culture.
One more note: in English, when we say "I wish" we have to switch into the subjective tense, acknowledging we're not discussing reality (I know this from teaching thsoe poems in Hong Kong!). But in Chinese, there is no subjective tense. Your wish just is.
11.22 - "I ain't drunk / I'm just drinkin' "
My ears are still ringing from a night of live blues by Black Cat Bone (黑猫骨), self-described as "badass blues brewed in Beijing." It began with a harmonica solo in dim lighting, and then the drums and a hard Gibson SG came busting out. The guitarist clearly picked up the instrument originally just to be in the spotlight. The 50-yr-old singer is going home with more than one lady tonight. The bassman was definitely the coolest cat of all. And the harp-man, plus the Chinese guest with his own blues harp, are the reason Im' buying a harmonica when I get back to the states. The other guest with her banjo and smoky voice was very sweet too. I dug it when the guitarist tripped on his way down the stairs to jam a solo with the swing-dance club that came (not to say that I danced). I dug it when the harp player took a break during one song and had a smoke whiel bobbing his head to the music. I dug the "One Way Out" cover (from one of my earliest forays into the blues and The Allman Brothers) that hit all the notes in the solo with the harmonicas. And I dug the Muddy Waters song. And the Hendrix.
I remember my first roller coaster was six years ago in Guangdong. My first clubbing experience was last month in Shanghai. My first Jack D was in Hong Kong. My first beer, first smoke, first dance. I'm super satisfied with my first live band-show being real blues with white band members who spoke fluent Mandarin between songs, not to mention the Chinese harp player touches me deeply with ethnic pride.
Also, Peking Duck and bullfrog meat tonight. And a fried seahorse on a stick. Oh yeah.
If only all this somke and pollution weren't shrivelling my lungs into nothingness. I can hardly speaking without interrupting myself to cough. There's some assortment of healing I need to do soon.
Also, I need to stop making so many judgments. The pair I spent the day with surprised me tremendously. People are ultimately really worthwhile and enriching in all their complicated foolishness. I need to be a window in this world, turning dark habits into the promise of light.
If I go back to Henan next weekend with a couple that I really despise and am uncomfortable with exposing the kids to, it will be a chance for me to face up and make positive change, even make amends. I should probably look at it the other way, too. The kids don't need my protection; in fact, they might just cleanse us all for one more weekend.
But I'm still torn about whether to go to the Shaolin Temples, which aren't even remotely Buddhist any longer and have been reopened by the government specifically as a tourist attraction in response to its popularity in contemporary fiction. I might see this degradation of the heart of the martial arts and turn to blame those too familiar to me, the ones close to home. The little girl we met last time, locking the gate of a school in the village, told us she wasn't surprised to meet a foreigner because she saw white people before at Shaolin. Wudang wasn't entirely pure, but at least it remained religious and locally Chinese.
I just went to the chuanr place on campus and got two chicken wings on skewers. Eating them without my hands and spitting out the bones, I thought of Kate plucking berries for me at the mountain. I'm going for the kids' sake, which is the only way I can make this my sake.
11.21
Went to 圆明园 today, and stopped by the local market to eat the greatest 煎饼 this side of Beijing. Once we were inside the park, Joy kept saying it was like she had gotten sucked into some nutcracker dream, it was so quiet and empty. We watched weeping willows in all the autumn colors sweep their hair across the ruins of the old Summer Palace. We sat at the bank of a lake, our feet at the ice-frosted shore, watching the wind blow ripples westward, listening to the crisp of that year's leaves like rainfall in the dry branches. We watched a lone rowboat and its lone passenger, soft in the sunlight. We saw old men fishing in streams and lowering their catches back into the water. We skipped rocks on frozen waters.
And the three of us talked, and discovered each other and that it's not too late to make friends.
Victoria from Henan sent me an email with a poem by 顾城. This is my effort at my first poem translation.
我是一个任性的孩子
I'm A Willful Child
我想在大地上画满窗子，
I want to draw a full window in the earth,
让所有习惯黑暗的眼睛都习惯光明。
turn the eyes of dark habit into the promise of light.
也许我是被妈妈宠坏的孩子
Maybe I let my mother spoil me
我任性
into willfulness.
我希望
I wish
每一个时刻
every moment
都像彩色蜡笔那样美丽
was crayon-pretty
我希望
I wish
能在心爱的白纸上画画
I could draw on the blank pages o fmy heart's treasures
画出笨拙的自由
draw the clumsiness of freedom
画下一只永远不会
draw forever-
流泪的眼睛
tearless eyes
一片天空
one slice of heaven
一片属于天空的羽毛和树叶
and one of heaven's plumes and leaves
一个淡绿的夜晚和苹果
the light green of evening's apples
我想画下早晨
I want to draw daybreak
画下露水
draw ephemeral dew
所能看见的微笑
the ability to catch smiles
画下所有最年轻的
all the youngest
没有痛苦的爱情
and painless loves
她没有见过阴云
which have never seen dark clouds
她的眼睛是晴空的颜色
which have clear eyes
她永远看着我
that always see me
永远，看着
forever seeing
绝不会忽然掉过头去
never to suddenly fail
我想画下遥远的风景
I want to paint the distant landscapes
画下清晰的地平线和水波
paint clear horizons and ripples
画下许许多多快乐的小河
paint countless joyful rivulets
画下丘陵——
paint hills--
长满淡淡的茸毛
growing softly everywhere
我让它们挨得很近
I'll bring them closer
让它们相爱
make it love
让每一个默许
make it requited
每一阵静静的春天激动
every quiet burst of rain in spring's stirrings
都成为一朵小花的生日
become birthings of flowers
我还想画下未来
and I want to paint the future
我没见过她，也不可能
I haven't seen her, I can't
但知道她很美
but I know she's beautiful
我画下她秋天的风衣
I'll paint her autumn clothes
画下那些燃烧的烛火和枫叶
paint those burning candle flames and sweet maple leaves
画下许多因为爱她
paint countlessly for my love
而熄灭的心
because she extinguishes my heart
画下婚礼
I'll paint weddings
画下一个个早早醒来的节日——
I'll paint every early-morning holiday--
上面贴着玻璃糖纸
paste candy glass on top
和北方童话的插图
and fairytale pictures from the North
我是一个任性的孩子
I'm a willful child
我想涂去一切不幸
I want to black out every misfortune
我想在大地上
on the earth, I want to
画满窗子
paint a full window
让所有习惯黑暗的眼睛
and turn all the eyes of dark habits
都习惯光明
into the promise of light
我想画下风
I want to draw the wind
画下一架比一架更高大的山岭
paint bookcase upon bookcase of mountains
画下东方民族的渴望
paint the Eastern minorities' thirsty longings
画下大海——
paint the open sea--
无边无际愉快的声音
the sounds of limitless joy
最后，在纸角上
and lastly, ont he paper's corner
我还想画下自己
I still want to paint myself
画下一只树熊
I'll paint a tree-bear(?)
他坐在维多利亚深色的丛林里
sitting in a dark victorian(?) jungle
坐在安安静静的树枝上
on a quiet, peaceful branch
发愣
in a daze
他没有家
he's homeless
没有一颗留在远处的心
no distant place to leave his heart
他只有，许许多多
only countless
浆果一样的梦
dreams like berries
和很大很大的眼睛
and enormous eyes
我在希望
I'm wishing
在想
and wanting
但不知为什么
but don't know why
我没有领到蜡笔
I haven't gotten a crayon
没有得到一个彩色的时刻
or succeeded in coloring the moment
我只有我
I only have myself
我的手指和创痛
my fingers and these wounds
只有撕碎那一张张
only shredding sheet by sheet
心爱的白纸
the blank pages of my heart's treasures
让它们去寻找蝴蝶
making them look for butterflies
让它们从今天消失
making them disapper from this day
我是一个孩子
I'm a kid
一个被幻想妈妈宠坏的孩子
a kid spoiled by my mother
我任性
I'm willful
Damn tiring. 8 pages! I used "draw" and "paint" interchangeably. I don't know what the window's about, or the victorian busines. The bear in the tree must be the poet with the big-eyed vision.
This is much prettier in Chinese. In English poetry, we strive for more imagery and less flowery language because the latter is trite, but in Chinese the imagery is already entwined in all the words, etymologically speaking or just in idiomatic usage. Triteness in Chinese becomes an exquisite hark back to a history of tradition and culture.
One more note: in English, when we say "I wish" we have to switch into the subjective tense, acknowledging we're not discussing reality (I know this from teaching thsoe poems in Hong Kong!). But in Chinese, there is no subjective tense. Your wish just is.
11.22 - "I ain't drunk / I'm just drinkin' "
My ears are still ringing from a night of live blues by Black Cat Bone (黑猫骨), self-described as "badass blues brewed in Beijing." It began with a harmonica solo in dim lighting, and then the drums and a hard Gibson SG came busting out. The guitarist clearly picked up the instrument originally just to be in the spotlight. The 50-yr-old singer is going home with more than one lady tonight. The bassman was definitely the coolest cat of all. And the harp-man, plus the Chinese guest with his own blues harp, are the reason Im' buying a harmonica when I get back to the states. The other guest with her banjo and smoky voice was very sweet too. I dug it when the guitarist tripped on his way down the stairs to jam a solo with the swing-dance club that came (not to say that I danced). I dug it when the harp player took a break during one song and had a smoke whiel bobbing his head to the music. I dug the "One Way Out" cover (from one of my earliest forays into the blues and The Allman Brothers) that hit all the notes in the solo with the harmonicas. And I dug the Muddy Waters song. And the Hendrix.
I remember my first roller coaster was six years ago in Guangdong. My first clubbing experience was last month in Shanghai. My first Jack D was in Hong Kong. My first beer, first smoke, first dance. I'm super satisfied with my first live band-show being real blues with white band members who spoke fluent Mandarin between songs, not to mention the Chinese harp player touches me deeply with ethnic pride.
Also, Peking Duck and bullfrog meat tonight. And a fried seahorse on a stick. Oh yeah.
If only all this somke and pollution weren't shrivelling my lungs into nothingness. I can hardly speaking without interrupting myself to cough. There's some assortment of healing I need to do soon.
Also, I need to stop making so many judgments. The pair I spent the day with surprised me tremendously. People are ultimately really worthwhile and enriching in all their complicated foolishness. I need to be a window in this world, turning dark habits into the promise of light.
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